Across The Way Thread #15858
She was at the Viper Room
Created ByMona
Created DateSun, Apr 04, 2004
Created Time12:20PM GMT

Mona4/4/2004 12:20:01 PM
Brad!4/4/2004 11:10:01 PM
Rachel4/5/2004 3:50:00 AM
Veera4/5/2004 8:00:01 AM
Armand4/5/2004 8:30:01 AM
Jennie4/5/2004 9:30:01 AM
~* Marjie *~4/5/2004 9:50:01 AM
spiritshelter4/5/2004 11:40:01 AM
Edward4/5/2004 12:10:01 PM
Helene4/5/2004 3:40:01 PM
Jolein4/6/2004 5:50:01 AM
sarahini4/6/2004 6:43:27 PM
Lil* Sis714/6/2004 10:20:01 PM
daniellepoco4/7/2004 1:44:30 PM
Emma4/7/2004 10:40:00 PM
BARRY4/8/2004 1:10:01 PM
Mona4/8/2004 4:10:00 PM
spicy_immortal4/11/2004 7:38:07 AM
Mona4/12/2004 6:32:33 AM
martina4/15/2004 10:40:03 AM
Mona4/16/2004 12:10:08 PM
sarah4/19/2004 8:43:43 PM
Mona4/20/2004 11:00:01 AM
Total Messages For This Thread: 23
AuthorMessage #32483
MonaSubjectShe was at the Viper Room
PostedSun, Apr 04, 2004 12:20PM GMTMethodWeb-Site
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It's a story I wrote, and I'd thought I'd post it here and see what
all of you think of it. It's pretty long and I know it could've been
a lot better than this, you don't have to read it if you get bored.
I'd I'd also like to thank Adam for giving me that little shove to
start writing this
Here it goes:

She was at the Viper Room
By: Mona Al Banna

She entered the Viper Room. It was her first time there. It was new,
hip...but plain. She just felt something different there, something
in the atmosphere. Her friends invited her. They told her that a
night before Halloween would be fun there. It was so crowded, she
couldn't find them. She couldn't really understand why it was so
popular; there was nothing really special there. She started looking
around, at the people, at everything. Then, she saw his eyes,
someone's eyes. Someone was staring at her. Her heart beat, she felt
frightened but she was brave enough to look, stare back at those
eyes, and those eyes didn't turn away, he just kept staring back.
She looked at his face, his pointy nose, his dark short hair, his
frowning mouth, and his eyes, those angry eyes, that wouldn't turn
away no matter what. 'Is it the way I look? Was it something I did?'
she thought, but she knew that it was more than that, a lot more
than that, but she was afraid to find out what it was. Suddenly, as
if the music was turned off and everyone else froze, words came out
of his mouth. "I'm a lot like you." he didn't say it directly to
her; he said it to the girl sitting opposite to him. She was
beautiful, the girl, she had a beautiful smile. But she felt as if
that message wasn't for that girl, it was meant to be for her. She
knew it was for her. She smiled, and he saw. "Hey! There you are
where were you? We were looking all over the place for you". The
connection was broken, everything was destroyed. He looked away, she
looked away. Her friends, they were her friends, they were there,
and they came at such a wrong time. "Do you wanna drink
anything?" "No," she replied coldly. Her eyes moved to look at him,
he stood up and walked on his way to the bathroom, he glanced back,
with a smile on his face. 'No' she thought, 'No, don't leave me
alone, in this cold and crazy world, I don't want to leave you, stay
here forever with me' "Do you know who that is?" one of her friends
asked. "Who?" she asked. She quickly wanted to know everything,
every little detail, about him. It wasn't an attraction to him, it
wasn't thinking he had beautiful eyes, or a nice smile, and no, it
wasn't just liking him. It was a lot more than that, and she
couldn't quite find out what it was and that's what bothered her
most, that's what marveled her the most about him. "He's River
Phoenix, a really good actor; I thought you knew who he was by that
look on your face.""River Phoenix sounds familiar, River...Phoenix,"
she repeated "What's that name of the movie he was in, with the four
boys looking for a dead body?" "Stand By Me, with Corey Feldman?"
replied the other "That's the one! The bit with the leaches still.."
The conversation faded in her head. She felt strange, something
awkward was going on, and she's never really felt that feeling, the
one she felt a few minutes ago. She needed sometime alone. "I gotta
go, I've got a headache, sorry I couldn't stay long, sorry" "but
wait. What's wrong?" she rushed out she needed to breathe. It was
1:24 AM; she usually didn't stay out that long. 'River Phoenix, why
did you do what you did?' she thought 'But what exactly did he do?
Sometimes weird things just happen I guess, maybe it was all in my
head'. She smiled, "I'm a lot like you" she said out loud, she
didn't really care, the street was empty. 'I'm a lot like you; does
that mean that he felt the same thing I felt? Went through the same
thing I went though, when our eyes met? It was so strong, so
powerful whatever it was'. She smiled again; strange things don't
happen to her often. She realized afterwards that from rushing out
she forgot her purse at the Viper Room. She certainly couldn't leave
it there, she had to go back and get it. She looked at her watch; it
was 1:30 AM. She started walking back. Before turning right, on
Sunset Boulevard and going to the Viper Room she heard a voice. "No!
No!" she couldn't see, it was dark, she didn't want to see. "Not
right now, no!" vomiting..."stop, I can't breathe, I need
to..." "Joaquin call the ambulance!" a voice was saying "It's gonna
be okay, River, it's gonna be okay" footsteps, running, running to
the pay phone. No, she couldn't stand it any longer, forget the
purse, she had to get home. Running. Running away from all the
madness, running away from all the pain that was following her like
a drunken man. She knew something was gonna happen, she felt it but
she could never witness it, it was following her, catching up to
her. She reached the footsteps to her home and then realized that
her keys were in her purse, and that there was no way she could get
inside. On 1:51 AM, on the pavement of her front door, she fainted.
AuthorMessage #32520
Brad!SubjectRe: She was at the Viper Room
PostedSun, Apr 04, 2004 11:10PM GMTMethodWeb-Site
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> She was at the Viper Room
> By: Mona Al Banna

It's intense! It's active and intriguing from the first words of the
first sentence where without any frills I find myself following her
immediately inside. I actually did not give this a thought when I
first read it - it's very adult, but in a very natural and
unselfconscious way.

I like the way you don't go into major lengthy character
descriptions but instead let the character be built in our minds
from what she does or thinks. The voice was at once striking for
me. It threw me off. I had to pay attention. And there is
something so compelling about it that I just get in the story go.
It's told to us in the third person so on top of the mystery of
where am I amd what is happening here and who is this guy and these
other people, I am trying to figure what exactly the character is
thinking and feeling from her own perspective too. It's really
cool. The action moves so fast I am constantly trying to keep up -
which I really like. I really like the action in this. Sometimes
I'm not quite sure what's happening and exactly who is involved <-
and it's great! I love that part! This had my attention riveted the
whole time.

And when it's over, I felt I knew what it was about. But I'm not
sure. I'm not sure the message was meant for me. And yet I really

Sheeeesh Mona! Do another one now!

AuthorMessage #32525
RachelSubjectRe: She was at the Viper Room
PostedMon, Apr 05, 2004 03:50AM GMTMethodWeb-Site
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Mona, What can I say?
Your writing is so captivating I felt myself as that girl feeling a
connection with River - something I've tried hard to find.

The intense pace pulls you in, and you don't want to be pushed back

Reading your story I felt myself as the girl standing staring at
River with River staring back - it was a wonderful feeling - THANK

It's strange because I once had a dream that was so like your story
it's frightening, I actually woke up crying because I couldn't save
him no matter how much I tried. It always makes me wonder if River
wanted to be saved. This world is too cruel for such a pure soul.

Please write again soon Mona

Love from Rachel
AuthorMessage #32534
VeeraSubjectRe: She was at the Viper Room
PostedMon, Apr 05, 2004 08:00AM GMTMethodWeb-Site
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That was absolutely brilliant!
I'm speechless...

I want to read more of your stories so you'd better go and write

AuthorMessage #32536
ArmandSubjectRe: She was at the Viper Room
PostedMon, Apr 05, 2004 08:30AM GMTMethodWeb-Site
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I don't think I can possibly follow on from what these guys have
said in praise of you Mona, only that I echo their statements! When
Mona was talking to me about the story in ATW chat, it was an idea
she had, a concept from a woman's point of view, a woman going
through her own troubles. A woman Mona created who happened to be at
the Viper Room on October 30 1993, whose life crossed with River's
that night. "She was at the Viper Room" is a fantastic and highly
effective spin of the stream of conciousness method I think. The
beauty and sheer power of this story for me, comes from the
suffering of the woman, it is SHE, not River that is the focus,
although River happens to be the catalyst that takes her on the next
journey, a journey of self discovery perhaps. They are part of the
same soul. And from that point, in the story, Mona's woman and
Mona's interperatation of River form a connection, and the entire
world dissapears. The tragedy is, from this brief and fleeting
MOMENT, all is lost in the tragic turn of events. Its like in
Virginia Woolf's novel, Mrs Dalloway... Clarissa Dalloway is a
politician's wife who yearns for her youth. Septimus Smith is
suffering from shellshock brought on by the horrors of the first
world war. They never meet but share the same perceptions. When
Septimus kills himself, Clarissa has to leave her party and be by
herself in her room and at that point, Septimus' death opens
Clarissa's eyes, she suddenly understands... the meaning of things.
Mona, thank you so much for this. Your talent is immeserable, never
give up exploring and digging deeper... there is so much possible. I
can't wait for your next offering
Total Messages: 23 Page 1 of 5
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