Across The Way Thread #22815
| Obscession or fate? |
| Created By | iamlilcrow78 |
| Created Date | Tue, Jul 27, 2010 |
| Created Time | 02:24PM GMT |
| User | Date | | iamlilcrow78 | 7/27/2010 2:24:23 PM | | Hel | 7/27/2010 8:02:35 PM | | iamlilcrow78 | 8/18/2010 1:48:37 AM |
| Total Messages For This Thread: 3 |
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| Author | Message #68960 |
| iamlilcrow78 | Subject | Obscession or fate?
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| Posted | Tue, Jul 27, 2010 02:24PM GMT | Method | Web-Site |
| I stumbled on to this site because River has been on my mind alot. In fact you can say he has been on my mind since I just wonder am I sick and obcessed or is it just fate?
It started like this. I saw Stand by me as a kid. I immediatly adored the film and it became my all time favorite movie. Now To me, Stand by me is more than just a River phoenix movie. It helped me cope with the idea of death at an early age. But, I loved River because it was clear he was a natural. I was young and still had no idea of just what kind of impact he would have on my entire life. It get's heavy.
I have been a vegetarian since age 4 by my own concious decision. In a family full of meat eaters I was left to feel abnormal. My parents were also very fucked up old hippies. My father was a vietnam vet and a social Pariah, which made me by proxy abnormal. Ridiculed at school by frinds on both accounts. So when I read interviews with River, he left me feeling well, not so alone in the world.
I eventually put my thoughts of River on the back burner shortly after that discovey because I was content with that feeling.
I am going to be as honest as possible here, but truely River's impact had already started but didn't hit me hard until he died. Nov 1st 1993 Something inside me broke when I learn he left the world the previous night.
I can't lie I was about as obscessive as a teenage girl could have probably been. Believing anything the tabloids wrote. My walls were filled with his pictures and my heart with adolecent iconic devotion. Knowing what I know now, I feel bad for having loved him in that way. It was wrong and it is what he hated the most about being famous. But again I was young.
As I grew, I eventually let go of the idiology of his iconic imagry and wanted to know who this beautiful soul was that touched my own without ever having met. I of course saw the rest of his movies. Then I started to get the big picture. The more I saw The more I read. The more I realized how much alike in spirit we were. Now I am not saying he was some sort of star crossed lost soul mate. He was more like a spirit guide to me at this point. Pointing the way out for me on a map of my life.
Aug 23rd, was River's birthday but before I knew that it had always been a relevent day in my life. It was my grandfather's birthday whom I truely adored, it was also my Parent's wedding anniversary. Somehow I felt I was always ment to aknowledge this soul. I was an Aug Virgo too. It made sense, we shared similar cosmic energy.
In this knowledge I again was able to let go of River. I became probably about as Bohemian as he ever was in my older teenage years on into early adulthood. When I turned 22 I became pregnant with my first child. That is the year my parents moved to Oregon. NOW ~ This was a defining moment in my life. Meant to be?
My parents only moved to Oregon for one year, it was sort of a lost year in the final years of my fathers life. But so very pivitol in mine. Shortly after my daughter was born they flew me out to Oregon. They lived in between Salem and Brownsville. Brownsville.. where they filmed most of Stand by me. This is a place I once thought about going as a kid, but forgot about. Until I got to Oregon. Holy Crap.
It was amazing, I mean was the coolest person in my own mind. I stood by the tree where the treehouse was. There were still a few rungs left higher up. I met a woaman who was an extra in the pie eating scene. I stood behind the Blue point Diner where they shot the gun off. I walked across the street where they filmed the boys parting ways next to the little bridge. My mind was blown, just being there. I felt like I was saying goodbye to my childhood and I was. It was a catharsis I never dreamed I could have.
This experience once again brought River to the front of my mind. SO again, I became obscessed but this time it was different. Evertime I watched a movie of his or searched something new. It was like River was telling me, it's okay, we are all part of each other in like this massive way.
Then came my second child I wanted to name him Chris after Chris Chambers but we already has too many people in the family named Chris. WIth a stepson named Forest and my daughter named Savannah, River was well to use a pun, the obvious natural choice. Thus my boy River. He is now four and definatly his own critter. I am not trying to make him into anything he is not that is for sure. But now when I wrap my arms arond my son, I know why River was so integral to my being. He was always part of me and always will be.
Even now I am still slighly obscessed, I am reading Henry Miller's Now is the time of the Assasins, River Phoenix's all time favorite book. I am beginning to understand him in a way I almost wish I didn't know. I understand now his spirit was filled with creation and chaos. It was one that hated and loved everythng that made him.He was more than an idol. He was a complex, compassionate, deep human being who has brought me to myself time and time again.
It's good know other people feel a deep connection with him. I mean that's why we are here, right? Because we are all connected in som big universal way. I figured it out, after 31 years. He was always my teacher.
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| Author | Message #68961 |
| Hel | Subject | Re: Obscession or fate?
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| Posted | Tue, Jul 27, 2010 08:02PM GMT | Method | Web-Site |
| Maybe it's a little bit of both?  Hi and welcome to the site and thank you for sharing such personal things with us. It's always interesting to read other people's River stories. There was a disucssion in here back in February/March about obsessing over River. Back then I wrote that people have very different ideas about what an obsession is. To me obession is an irrational thing, and I don't think what you and I are feeling is irrational. I like the word connection better.
I think many of us have gone through what you have and it does feel really good not to be alone with it.
I wrote a post about my experiences in another forum just a couple of days ago. This is what I wrote:
"Yeah, that pretty much sums up what I went through, too. I'd watch Indiana Jones with my dad a lot when I was a kid. I must have been about five years old when my 'young Indy' mesmerization thing started. I don't know if it was because my own brother was touring Europe the whole time, but I really felt like young Indy was my brother. I didn't know it was just a character.
Then fast forward to age 12, when I'd sort of forgotten about the young Indy thing, there was a commercial on TV for Stand By Me. The first time I watched it I just knew I HAD to watch the movie. I told my mom several times "I HAVE to see it." The whole thing weirded me out, because to be frank, I'd never felt that way before about anything. Maybe it was my subconsciousness that recognized River's face or something? I don't know. But I watched it, and was drawn to him - like rikita before even finding out he was gone.
I didn't have internet at home at the time, so I asked my mom to look him up for me the next day. (She worked at an office at the time.) I'll never forget when she told me he'd died. It was bizarre; I was hit so bad. I felt like I'd lost a brother. The same day my mom printed his filmography and different biographies for me. When I looked at it I realized he'd been in an Indiana Jones movie, and the young Indy memories came back to me.
I have to admit though... I didn't join my first River Phoenix forum until December 2001, when I was 15. Up until then I'd written a couple of shitty poems to try and 'cope' with the whole thing, but for the most part it scared me. I'm such a chicken.  I just didn't understand it, and the more I thought about it the more it freaked me out. So I tried not to think about it too much. I felt so alone though. I'm glad I eventually joined a forum and found out I wasn't alone.
I still don't get what it is though.
On a sidenote:
I started dating my boyfriend on August 23. The first time we met was in a music chatroom. He sent me a link to his band's website, and asked me to take a listen. We added each other on MSN, and pretty quickly started feeling things for each other. We felt kinda stupid  and decided to meet to find out if we were fooling ourselves. I was waiting for him to get his first car, because he lived pretty far away. Finally he told me one day that he could come visit me on the 22nd. He came to meet me, and the next day, on the 23rd, we pretty much knew it was love. So we decided to date.
Also, I lost my cat on October 31st. Worst *beep* thing ever. I want a tattoo in memory of him one day. His name was Oliver. I found him when I was 9. No one wanted him, but he was the cutest little thing. I fell in love with him immediately. I persuaded my parents to adopt him, and for the next 12 years he was my best friend.
So, on River's birthday I started dating the love of my life (this year it's seven years together) and on the day River died I lost my Ollie. Such a weird coincidence.  "
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| Author | Message #69037 |
| iamlilcrow78 | Subject | Re: Obscession or fate?
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| Posted | Wed, Aug 18, 2010 01:48AM GMT | Method | Web-Site |
| Hey, thanks for the warm welcome. I think your right, it's definatly a connection. Look at all us here, It's pretty amazing he brought us together in one place by just being him. I mean we don't know each other from Adam but he is something integral to all of us. Here we are River's extended human family. It's nice to meet you this way.
It's funny you were speaking of Indiana Jones. I got a kick last hallowen my son was four then, but he adores Indiana Jones since he saw the Crystal Skull. So that's what he dressed up as. IT was his own idea and everything. I had all but forgot River played young Indi while I was making his costume. But then he put it on and it hit me~ DOH... That was cool and my little man was so cute.. I got a kick out of that..
Yeah othr than Stand by me, I liked Little Nikita alot too back in the day. In fact I remember a Family ties episode he was on. I used to love that show when I was little.
I have to admit it's nice to be able to talk about him with other people. It's just I can't help but think about him, I say his name like fifty times a day when talking to my kid, and I can't help but go geez.. what did I do to myeslf? lol...
I am sorry to hear about Ollie but I it's nice you met your person the same day. Again, I don't geuess we would be here if we didn't feel connected to his energy. Nothing surprises me anymore. Any way thanks for listening, this is a very cool site, I am sure he would appreciate all the love and sentiment people throw his way.
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